A friend asked me for my opinion regarding dating verses courtship. Here are some Biblical principles I quickly wrote regarding relationships. I don't have all
the answers I want yet. I do know that dating as our generation has
defined it is broken. For some people courting and dating are
one and the same, so they should be defined.
According to
Wikipedia under the definition of "Courtship" I found the following interesting points:
"Courtship is the period in a couple's relationship which precedes their engagement and marriage,
or establishment of an agreed relationship of a more enduring kind. In
courtship, a couple get to know each other and decide if there will be
an engagement or other such agreement.
"In earlier 1800s, young adults were expected to court with the intention
of finding a marriage partner, rather than for social reasons. In
America, in the 1820s, the phrase 'date' was most closely associated
with prostitution. However, by the Jazz Age
of the 1920s, dating for fun was becoming a cultural expectation, and
by the 1930s, it was assumed that any popular young person would have
lots of dates. This form of dating, though, was usually chaster than is
seen today, since pre-marital sex was not considered the norm."
So,
in taking in account their history and their usual current usages, I
understand the generally accepted meanings of the words "court" and
"date" to imply the following. Court seems to be with a more serious commitment in mind. Date usually seems to be for social fun and may or
may not end up with a committed type of attitude. And among the many of
the "Christian" youths that we have known, in a big part dating seems
to be for giving myself pleasures at the expense of my special friend
with the high hopes that all will end well. That is how I will use these words here. But whether we consider ourselves pro-dating or pro-courting, we must adhere to Biblical principles.
1.) We must first of all be concerned with the reality of who we are as a people.
As Christians, we do not belong to ourselves. In the very context of sexual purity and impurity God tells us in 1
Corinthians 6:19-20,
"What? know ye not that your body is the temple of
the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not
your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's."
I cannot do just anything I want. With my body, I must do all to the glory of He who bought me, for He owns me, not I myself.
2.) We must answer to someone -- our Lord and King.
"In those days there was no king in Israel: every man did that which was right in his own eyes." (Judges 21:25)
But
we DO have a King, and we cannot do what just seems right or feels
good. Our King tells us what to do in Scripture. But most young people
aren't even trying to find out and do what Scripture teaches here in
our dating, therefore...
"My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge." (Hosea 4:6)
Our
couples and their resultant marriages are destroyed for a lack of
knowledge. The very things the young dating couples are doing right now
WILL impact their marriages later.
So the entirety of our lives
(including our relationships) must be submitted to the revealed will of
God. (God reveals His will in Biblical principles.)
3.) Modern
Recreationally Motivated Dating (dating just for fun) is Heretical not Scriptural.
It's not even mentioned in Scripture and hardly even found in all of
history until our modern history. It is motivated by a godless society
based on pleasing the flesh rather than basing their actions on the Word
of God.
Why would people date without any intention of marrying?
- To satisfy the lust of the flesh... either through immorality or entertainment.
- To satisfy heartfelt passions, that may be Biblical, but not seeking them in God's way. (
ie. wanting to enter into a relationship that requires no lifelong commitment whatsoever. So that you can take off at anytime.)
None of this reflects Scriptural principles, so it must be disregarded as such.
4.) The defraud commandment.
Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God:
That no man go beyond and defraud his brother in any matter: because that the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also have forewarned you and testified.
For God hath not called us unto uncleanness, but unto holiness. (1 Thessalonians 4:5-7)
One
of the meanings of "defraud" here is that of arousing "the lust of
concupiscence" or arousing the other's "passionate desire." Or we could
say that defraud here means to create the desire in someone for that
which you cannot lawfully fulfill. This happens all the time with
couples getting off alone on a date to arouse desires in each other that
should not be fostered nor can they be lawfully fulfilled. That is why
it's not wise for couples of the opposite sex be alone unless they are
married or in special circumstances of which they are safe and accountable. (such as a drive together to church, etc.) Because hormones, chemistry, emotions, attraction (or whatever
you might wish to call it) between the opposite sexes are natural and
unavoidable, but should not be fed nor allowed to blossom until they are
lawful. To purposely sexually arouse someone other than your spouse is
to defraud them and is denounced by God in Scripture. And to purposely
cause someone to have an emotional affair with you is also playing with
fire. For God promises to avenge such behavior. And many times it ends
with dysfunctional marriages, broken homes, and broken hearts.
5.) The principle of treating the young ladies as our sisters.
1 Timothy 5:2 teaches us that our conduct with the younger women is to
be as with sisters and with all purity. Young men, that means not
touching them in inappropriate ways. That means having nothing but pure
motives with them. That means not arousing in them desires which would
be sinful to fulfill. That means treating them as you would want the
men of the world to treat your little sister. Period.
6.) Paul told young Timothy (and us) to
flee youthful lusts.
In
many points we are told to "wrestle," but when it comes to lusts we are
told to "flee." (A side point here: The more you protect your eyes,
men, the more you can passionately love and be satisfied with one
woman. Ladies, that is why modest clothes are important. And that is
why there must be a carefulness between the courting couple.) Why does
God say to flee lusts? You will not be able to be in a relationship
with a person of the opposite sex and be ALONE with him/her for an extended
length of time without falling. Those who have tried it know I am
telling the truth. And remember that "falling" comes a long time before
the world says it does. Biblically,
one can't be strong enough, Godly enough, or disciplined enough to do
something that God already told you not to do. Don't be alone with a
person of the opposite sex where you can be in a position to compromise
yourself... because it will likely happen if you stay there long enough.
I never have forgotten an illustration by Paul Washer that I heard months ago; it goes like this:
I
am a married man. Imagine that you came to a hotel suite, and you
found me alone with a woman other than my wife. I answer the door and
say, "Come in, Jane and I here were just making cookies."
You would say, "You can't do that!"
"Why not?" I ask, "We weren't doing anything wrong."
"It's just wrong. You can't be alone with someone of the opposite sex who isn't your wife. There are too many dangers!"
Exactly.
And we encourage and condone that with young people in the dating
game. I am a married man. A man with a dear wife and precious children
who I value and would never want to lose. I am a man with much
responsibility, I am responsible for various churches. I answer to a
lot of people, pastors, and to supporters. This is going to make me
want to be so much more careful to not fall. How much more careful
(than any adolescent) would I be alone with a woman who is not my wife!
But with adolescents who
have less experience, less wisdom, less discipline, and much less to
lose than I have to lose, we send them off to be alone for hours at a
time with
someone of the opposite sex. And we expect them not to fall morally?
With so much less to lose than us adults who would never think of being
alone with women of the opposite sex?
This is why I feel like dating as it is commonly defined is unwise,
unScriptural,
and dangerous. Courting as it is commonly defined seems to be the only
other safe option I know of in our culture. As to how courtship should
be practic
ed Scripturally, I am still open to answers. I did find helpful and interesting modern day love story shared by Marrianne
Brown of her and Philip's courtship and marriage. It seemed to be
Biblical and defined both dating and courtship in a wholesome and
seemingly Biblical way. Here is a selection on her blog that I found
intriguing and something I'd like to learn more about:
"One of those Wednesday evenings when we pulled into my driveway, Philip
turned off the car and turned to me. It was in that conversation that
Philip laid out his ideas of how relationships progressed. Stage #1
Friendship - This was the very basis for a relationship, basic
information, finding if there were shared goals and ideas, finding out
their commitment to God and His Word. Asking, "Is this person even a
possible candidate for a wife/husband? If there was friendship and
compatibility of goals and ideas and commitment to Christ then it was
possible to progress to Stage #2 - Dating - sharing things that you
wouldn't share on a friendship level, further probing of personal
philosophies and background, examining theological ideas further.
Deciding yes, this person is a possible life partner which would lead to
Stage #3 - Courtship - This person has the characteristics of a life
partner but there are some things that need to be talked about that are
just not appropriate at level #2 - finances, any previous sin that would
affect the relationship, all those "sticky" things that are "where the
rubber meets the road". If the relationship withstands those scrutinies
then the next step would be Stage #4 - Engagement - the actual
commitment to marry this person, premarital counseling, and preparing
for Stage #5 - Marriage.
That Wednesday evening Philip shared that we were in Stage #1 and he was
praying about how to progress. That was one of the things I appreciated
about him - I never had to guess about where we were at or how he was
viewing the relationship. He'd had many years to figure out how to avoid
some of the common pitfalls of romantic relationships and it sure saved
me a lot of anxiousness and fear!"
(From "Our Story - Part Six" http://philipmarianne.blogspot.com/2011/08/our-story-part-six.html ) With the definition of dating given here, I can agree with dating.
Credit belongs to Paul Washer for a lot of what I shared here. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AP6cc2aBecE And credit to my professor Dr. Allan P. Brown for his teaching on 1 Thessalonians 4:5-7. - Phillip
